Fog

You know those music videos where everything is moving fast except the person singing? That’s what life feels like right now. Like everything around me is still plugged in and I am in this strangely quiet, calm. Except I am actually trying to jump back into the busy world.

This week I am planning the next school year and trying to finish up this school year with Thing 1, Thing 2, & Thing 3.

Hiccup will be five months old in a couple of days! I have slowly put all the little baby items away and the big one also. The tiny clothes, the high chair, the car seat and umbrella stroller are all tucked away for now. Jones and I have decided to stay with our agency through May. That gives me another six weeks of waiting at least. I don’t expect to hear from our agency at all. 😦 I think the extra time is good though even though I hate it.

It is easy to think I should just get over the lose since she isn’t dead, wasn’t mine and seems in a reasonably safe environment. It would seem more reasonable to grieve the lose if the people around me understood that in foster care you give your heart, mind and soul to loving these children just the same as they WERE your own. When I was in the angry/devastated early phase of grief I remember thinking “this must have been how awful it was for her bio mom when they took her…except ( and this was my angriness speaking) I didn’t do anything to make this happen!” I can feel more for her now without the nasty bitterness at the end. Hiccup’s mom is a very nice person and has had such a nightmare of a life. I don’t have any business judging her. Also, in the depths of my despair I was singing that song that Zooey DaChanel sings “so please, please, please let me, let me, let me have what I want this time! God knows it would be the first time” and every time I would hear those last words ” God knows it would be the first time” I knew that was so far from the truth. I have been so hugely blessed over and over in my life.

I am actually feeling mostly recovered especially since I get to visit her and even help out the family when they need it. I just seem to be in a bit of a fog and its still pretty thick right now. This was a lot of babble! Sorry. Really that was the whole point of having this blog, so I can babble on about this foster/ adopt journey. I had no idea it would be so hard I between placements.

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